When will I ever feel his warmth? The way just two nights ago he not only held my hand he anchored both of them and closed the circle. I probably knew then he was gripping me tight. I thought it was because he was leaving town, then giving me one day, which suddenly feels like charity, then he leaves me again and I greet the new year without him. I will sit on the sidelines and smile. I will be light and air. I will love him with an undying powerful love that takes my breath away and for him, he says is taking his balance away. Even though I said In the beginning that I didn’t know how to date. To fuck and feel such powerful emotions and connectivity and then to be easy going and neutral. To not show any emotion when he talks about someone with a sparkle in his eye that you know he had his dick in them. And you are not to react. Maybe he’s right. Maybe this isn’t good. But how the Fuck does he walk away from that powerful stir? I can’t believe he has that kind of heat and power with any one else. From the get go I was told, don’t get attatched, don’t feel, just keep it light, he has a rotation, he isn’t monogamous. Okay. I got it! But I want more. I push him until he’s worn out and miserable. Just like I told him I would. Now he’s let me go. He was told what I would do. And when it happened he acted shocked and dismayed. I don’t get it. If someone says I’m going to push your buttons to see how much you can take. I wouldn’t be surprised when it happened. But it’s on me to change that behavior.
I’ve lost the most important person to ever step into my life. I love him with a fire and a passion I’ve never had for another being. (Well my kids)
He is substantial and beautiful and everything I’ve ever dreamed my man would and could be. My man? Ha! He’s everyone’s man and now with the thought that I might lose him altogether I don’t care how many other women are in his bed. I want in the rotation. The rotation I told him was like a case of red beans in dry storage making sure the oldest gets used first. I find the term insulting and sexist. But now I desperately want to be part of it. I wonder if he’s ever thought about the integrity of the rotation and how anyone can feel pride being a bag of red beans? And I won’t say things under my breath and I won’t ask questions. I’ll just come when he says I can and I’ll leave quietly out the front door that signals your exit with a bell, I’ll have a smile of sexual satisfaction and walk out his front door until the next time. I want to meet the important people in his life. Rebecca. Theresa, Kaye, Jennifer, Mindy and Debbie. Those are the ones I could pick out in a crowd. I wonder which of them pine for him the way I do. I think that’s why he and Debbie don’t fuck anymore. She won’t compromise her sex by just being part of the rotation. And I think some of his sadness that he’s placing strictly on me sits in Debbie’s camp as well. I don’t know for sure it’s a guess but I think it’s a good one. I think I like Debbie. It’s hard because I want to know these women and he says he wants that too, but, I don’t think he’d like us comparing notes.
He gave so much in such a short time frame and then just BOOM! ripped it away. I wonder if his love is true. If his heart drops in his tummy and he gets butterflies at that first shock of skin contact?
Sonya had so much to do with it. She’s been working him to remove me for three months. He knows it. Yet he knows on Christmas Day I’m going to be treated like shit and it’s my Christmas too. I get to just sit there and deal with the pain, knowing in the end the woman who I considered my friend and blessed her for the introduction is the one who planted lots of doubts and negative things around. (Earrings, yoga pants, dirty washcloths with lipstick, panties, towels wet and wadded up, more earrings..,)
I will love him through it with a smile on my face because I can’t face the idea of never feeling him cuddle up to me and spoon me and bite my shoulder and fuck me like no one ever has. How the fuck do I ever get over that? I can’t, I won’t, and I hope he always keeps me In rotation. Some people think I’m sick for putting up with it. Some people think he’s sick for needing so many women to feed his ego. My counselor says he’s compensating for his inadequacies. I think he’s having his cake and eating it too. I think he’ll come back for me. But I have to let him be without me. And we’ll see. We’ll see. We’ll see. I saw that in text a million times tonight. It’s an easy out for him and Sonya. My heart is shattered. My womanhood battered bruised and worn. I hurt everywhere, can this pain even compare to childbirth. No but it would compare to stitches between my vagina and anus after childbirth. In a nutshell the pain this man has doled out today is an episiotomy on my heart. Please feel me, please come back, I’ll demand less give more. I was told I’m all powerful negative. I just don’t see it. When I’m around him and we’re getting ready to go out , Sonya is around I’m pleasant and positive. I’m always hi, bye, what cha doing, how ya doing, etc. I get ignored. Seems that’s the negative one right there, it’s not me, it’s you. No Sonya it really is all you. Read your text. Sheesh. Practice what you preach. And let the man you profess to care about love someone else as well. I’m broken but I won’t give you the satisfaction of thinking you did it! Virgil is one very special man and I want to see him thrive. If I’m keeping him from that then I’ll let you take care of him. You got rid of Michelle also because you thought she was pretty and you thought she was using him. And you got rid of others also based on your likes and dislikes. You know all the working girls because you were one of them. So don’t dare come at me holier then thou. If Virg wasn’t paying for you to live where would you be?
I’m needing to grow and be a better person and until the other night I was being given that freedom. Something happened you didn’t like. But I’m not sure what it was. Now virgil is tired and defeated. You make me sad, my baby makes me sad that he knows better from a girl he met out of an escort listing and moved her into his mid town bungalow then he thinks of his daughter and her opinion of me. I am substantial and I am a masterpiece! I am not a hangover! But I may have one before I figure out why I can’t be a girl men want for long term. I guess I need to try on non sexual and boring…it seems to work for Sonya asexual and no sense of humor. no laughter ever in that house. at least not from her mouth . yet ive been singing and smiling all day.
Sent from my iPhone
Learning to love me 