In “my old life” I used to joke about this, saying don’t you know who I am? With sarcasm as if I was so important every one should just respect me, like me and want to be surrounded by my Glory because I was Jonna Cobb. Wife of Garth, Daughter in law of Karly and Buck, Ryder and Kacey’s mom. Hell I was royalty, right?
Well my “old life” slaps me in the face often and hard! Working where I work it’s a given someone will see my nametag and even 60 lbs lighter and blonde, they hear my passion for the wine industry and put two and two together. I’m not saying it’s always a bad slap in the face. Sometimes it’s brilliant. Like having all my old neighbors and fellow wine industry gurus at grand openings pouring their product. Especially gratifying is the recent add on our shelves of many of my friends and old neighbors juice for me to sell. Selling is story telling. And boy, have I got stories! So hopefully that is a worthwhile campaign that although I’m rocking it and my store is selling local hand over fist I have very little control over the other stores salesmanship. Something I’d like to change. But I have yet to get a return response from an email I sent to the company VP. Hold tight it’ll take it’s sweet time but…It’ll be worth it! Sometimes it’s hard and humiliating and I wish to hell I didn’t feel the need to defend myself and explain why I left Garth and the wineries behind to not drown in someone else’s molding and shaping of me.
I’m a work in progress for sure, we all are if we’re truly honest about it. I’m so grateful of where I am now. I’m amazed when I realize how far I had to fall to get here. But then I think of Jordan, sweet Jordan, Garth’s brother who passed away last year. He didn’t find a way to love himself enough to escape the addiction,the illness that held him so tight. He never reached the point of light where he said I wanna be better, bigger and something I create without the burden of alcohol to bury and deaden all my feelings. He, like I carried much guilt for things he did whether big or small things that go unaddressed because of the pride and ego of ourselves and our families and the “don’t you know who I am” mantra that swims inside of our consciousness when we are expected to do great things just because of our name and birthright.
I know some people think I’m crazy to have left my old life. And some days I agree with them. I wish I had pushed for a legal separation and found out that Garth and I really weren’t going to work. But my biggest regret and one I’m fighting to rid myself of, I (we) did not fight. We did not go the long run to try and make it work. I walked away because it was taking it’s toll on me. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I still fight those ghosts. I’m not good enough. The relationships I’ve had that have lasted were only lasting because of the other persons resolve to have me in their life. Believe me eventually I pushed them away. Usually not very kindly. My new MO is to find someone who really makes me feel good about myself, whole, and happy. Then I cling on to them in fear that if I don’t have them telling me daily that I’m beautiful, talented, funny and smart that I will self destruct and never find those qualities in me by myself. In my nightmares I look in the mirror to no reflection like a bad vampire movie.
Whole, I need to be the whole Jonna Gay Vivian Cobb, without the crutch of a man telling me I’m all the things I already know in my head I am. Why is my heart and my spirit so slow to catch up. It’s like they dropped the baton in the relay race.
So don’t you know who I am?
I’m Jonna Vivian Cobb, smart, funny, talented and hard working. I’m a faithful, true, and loyal friend and lover. I’d like you to stick around awhile so I’ll find and continue my own interests and invite you to share in them. I’ll support you in all your interests and endeavors. I won’t be hurt or disappointed if you can’t or don’t want to be with me for all my little events, nor will I feel like I need to be present at every function or gathering you attend. We will be two separate strong people who come together and ignite such a strong united front that we’ll set the world on fire. At least our own little world.
That’s who I want to be for you.
She’s coming, and you’ll say, “Don’t you know who you are?” I’ll respond, Yes and thank you for waiting for me to find me!
Learning to love me 