Cliches

 

For your own edification.

I was blogging.

Talking to myself,

Figuring this out in my own silence.

Something I don’t do enough of.

The stress of the daily grind to keep the three of us afloat and to dig deep for the Partner I thought I had in this struggle has kept me from myself.

I’m often the only one who hears me, and without fail, the only who listens.

Time is not on my side. I’m too old to start over, too tired for a frivolous love affair. I put all my eggs in one basket, cashed in that winning lotto ticket and put the cart before the horse.

Cliches exist for a reason, tried and true. Us mere mortals don’t, can’t and never will overcome our predictability. Right as rain, sure as shit and as the Pope is Catholic we will be human fucking beings. Fallible, reckless, and unnervingly destructive.

I for one am damn sick of this experience! I’m tired of the struggle, and yeah it’s real, douche bag! See I beat you to it. I’m sick of being strong, I’m getting tired of doing the right thing. People like me break the law for a reason, to see if we can. To let society know once and for all that you can’t break me!

So I trudge along, getting where I’m going to be, because no matter where I go… it’s where I am. I’m looking at the man (woman) in the mirror and I like what I see, except when I don’t.

I’m so imperfect, broken and flawed. When someone who knew me as my loving, carefree self, a girl with dreams she was sure were just around the corner. The optimist who never took no for an answer, says I will get through this, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and there is something better on the other side. I want to grab them and scream! “What the fuck do you know? Where have you been? and What have you done for me lately?” Their words, the very cliches we learn to throw around with questionable good intentions to those unfortunates, like me, who are down and out, whose luck has run out, and can’t seem to catch a break.

Every Grandparent, Parent, Aunt, Uncle, Sibling and Cousin Twice Removed, has used these bullshit Cliches with their troubled loved ones ad nauseam. Us shining stars turned black sheep get tired of hearing how our future is so bright we gotta wear shades, we’re going to come out smelling like roses and to just think about how much we learned from this experience.

Here I am again, trying to claw my way out of a canyon I excavated with my very own CAT crew. And I know we’ll be okay.

I’m standing by my man in the words of one Tammy Wynette.

But the question is; in all my brokenness and infinite imperfection will he be there when I reach out for him? Yes he will be. Because I know him. I’ve known him forever, but somewhere else. Soulmates? Ha!

This has not been a romance that anyone would want to read about. Certainly, we are star crossed lovers, but not in a romantic, flowery way. More like in a street fight, a who’s who of fucked up, like a race to see who can hit rock bottom first and which one of us gets the gold star for bleeding the most, having the worst night terrors, and can spend the most time and money in rehab.

So what are you going to do about it, you say? I’ve made a decision. One that’s worked for me before. It’s so simple that it’s wildly easy to forget its effectiveness.

When I have a day that I don’t like me, I DO NOT throw a bunch of cliches at my reflection. No! I simply pray to God and I ask for strength. I ask for his hand to guide me. I praise him for the all the things I’m grateful for. I start with my pillow and go right through to my pinky toes. They have the tiniest nail on the end. One minuscule dot of nail polish is all it takes to finish my pedicure.

Gratitude and Love. Blessings and another day to struggle. Another day hoping I put a small piece of this jigsaw puzzle together that helps me see more light, more blessings, and more beauty in His gifts to us.

We’ll be okay, Carl and I. With gratitude and love. It’s just losing the cliches and looking at what we truly have in the smallest of wonders. No big leaps for mankind, no I’m going to Disney land moments, and no get out of jail free card. Just the sky. Let’s start there and see where that takes us.

I hope I come back and read this when someone asks my advice about anything they might be struggling with. And I fervently hope I don’t throw them a things are always darkest before the dawn or out of the mud grows the lotus moment. But instead take their hand in mine and look up at the sky with them and just say, “there, start right there. Be grateful, feel the love”.

Smile and be there again when they need a warm touch and a open heart. And with that I pray I keep my own touch and open heart available for myself. Whisper words of wisdom. Let it be.