In April 2020 in the height of the CoVid pandemic, after what seemed an eternity, I was afforded the opportunity to move to my adult children in Oxford Mississippi. I found a place to live, escaped yet another visit from my California tormentor and then yet again another beating from the same man. If this isn’t story material, I’m not sure what is. People call me crazy; but people seldom call me boring!
So I’m in this awesome, wholesome, loving relationship. I’m having some, uh hum… a lot of difficulties with PTSD and a missed diagnosis of depression vs Bi-polar. Dealing with med changes and getting healthy emotionally has been a strain on my employment and on this new fantastic relationship. Tired of faking it both at work and at home, I lost my job, simply for expressing myself in a little bit of “a mood” … ie; I couldn’t keep my shit stable or together and would literally black out in fear mode as ptsd survivors will occasionally do.
I took the leap and started seeing a professional, switched medications, talked and will continue to talk to a therapist for as long as it takes.
You’re saying, great Jonna, so what are you bitching about now? Not complaining as much as wondering what the Lord is showing me. The loss of my pantry chef job is leaving a distinct channel of discomfort and moving towards strain on those who are loving me through this. I’m learning how to deal with the manic moods, the depression and am ready to undergo some pretty severe memory resurface Therepy. I will be better. I know it!
But today, in working towards the goal of providing and contributing finances to the demand of life and to the the beautiful souls who are being patient through these changes. IE; The act of moving across the US ; the survival of a class A narcissist etc. has been hard. And then…get ready for it… I got pulled over on Ole Miss Campus for speeding. 3 miles over the 18 mph limit. I was on my way to a job interview at the Ole Miss Pavilion for a job taking tickets at home games. I never made it to my interview.
I was arrested for speeding and driving on a suspended Drivers License. An offense in California that would have been so unforgiving. Probably would have served at least 40 days in jail.
They arrested me. Cuffs and all. (Protocol I know) I went to the local Jail where all male inmates were in the main lobby switching the music between Country and Old R&B. Civil and respectful to each other. Not a single one trying to act “hard” or “gangster.”
I realized then how blessed I was to be where I am and exactly why the Lord has me here. Will I ever drive until I receive the privilege of possessing a valid Mississippi DL? No! Never! Won’t happen! I heard you loud and clear Holy Ghost. I should have walked, ridden my bike. This Covid-19 – 20 lbs I’ve gained, should have been incentive enough!
I was treated with love and respect, compassion and empathy. The one gentleman officer was ordering lunch on his computer for the “crew”. He was kind and yet professional and efficient. Asked me if I had ever eaten “fried ravioli” and we talked pasta and pizza. The female officer also incredibly professional, efficient, yet loving and full of empathy for my situation said, “let me give the judge a call” She did and they released me with a court date where I will then work out the fines with the Judge. Best of all was a woman they referred to as MeiMa who while I prayed out loud as they were processing my paperwork, said Amen with me and told me to “always Trust in God, because He will never let me down. ” where did this angel come from?
Thank you my Dear Father in Heaven for sending these loving people with guns and badges to show me my transgressions and yet with such kindness tell me I hadn’t done anything unforgivable. Treated like a blooming human being. Not like in Sacramento California. I AM where I need to be!
There will be consequences of today. Many at a time where it will just feel like overload. But I will survive. I will overcome and with the Lords care I will succeed. I’ve got Hell to pay for driving 3 miles over the speed limit and especially without a valid Drivers License. I will gracefully get through this. I hope my man stays by my side. I hope my children continue to love me through these never ending bumps in the road. Amen!
One more thought because I know some are thinking it. Did I receive Grace and Kindness from these peace officers because I’m a White Female. No. I was polite, forthright, respectful and grateful for their service. Two of the respectful inmates I had contact with were Black; one Black inmate came out and offered me a tray of lunch. One Male officer was Black and the other two were White Females. In a time where we are over reacting to race and being treated unfairly I still remain in the position of respect begets respect. They have a job to do and they did it. My sincere respect for the Oxford Mississippi Police Department.
Update: I lost the relationship; I lost myself…again! Working on getting myself back on my feet…AGAIN! When will I learn that God wants me to himself and to stop looking forward a Man to accept me. Pray and let him know, “I want more of you God!”
Learning to love me 