Cliches

 

For your own edification.

I was blogging.

Talking to myself,

Figuring this out in my own silence.

Something I don’t do enough of.

The stress of the daily grind to keep the three of us afloat and to dig deep for the Partner I thought I had in this struggle has kept me from myself.

I’m often the only one who hears me, and without fail, the only who listens.

Time is not on my side. I’m too old to start over, too tired for a frivolous love affair. I put all my eggs in one basket, cashed in that winning lotto ticket and put the cart before the horse.

Cliches exist for a reason, tried and true. Us mere mortals don’t, can’t and never will overcome our predictability. Right as rain, sure as shit and as the Pope is Catholic we will be human fucking beings. Fallible, reckless, and unnervingly destructive.

I for one am damn sick of this experience! I’m tired of the struggle, and yeah it’s real, douche bag! See I beat you to it. I’m sick of being strong, I’m getting tired of doing the right thing. People like me break the law for a reason, to see if we can. To let society know once and for all that you can’t break me!

So I trudge along, getting where I’m going to be, because no matter where I go… it’s where I am. I’m looking at the man (woman) in the mirror and I like what I see, except when I don’t.

I’m so imperfect, broken and flawed. When someone who knew me as my loving, carefree self, a girl with dreams she was sure were just around the corner. The optimist who never took no for an answer, says I will get through this, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and there is something better on the other side. I want to grab them and scream! “What the fuck do you know? Where have you been? and What have you done for me lately?” Their words, the very cliches we learn to throw around with questionable good intentions to those unfortunates, like me, who are down and out, whose luck has run out, and can’t seem to catch a break.

Every Grandparent, Parent, Aunt, Uncle, Sibling and Cousin Twice Removed, has used these bullshit Cliches with their troubled loved ones ad nauseam. Us shining stars turned black sheep get tired of hearing how our future is so bright we gotta wear shades, we’re going to come out smelling like roses and to just think about how much we learned from this experience.

Here I am again, trying to claw my way out of a canyon I excavated with my very own CAT crew. And I know we’ll be okay.

I’m standing by my man in the words of one Tammy Wynette.

But the question is; in all my brokenness and infinite imperfection will he be there when I reach out for him? Yes he will be. Because I know him. I’ve known him forever, but somewhere else. Soulmates? Ha!

This has not been a romance that anyone would want to read about. Certainly, we are star crossed lovers, but not in a romantic, flowery way. More like in a street fight, a who’s who of fucked up, like a race to see who can hit rock bottom first and which one of us gets the gold star for bleeding the most, having the worst night terrors, and can spend the most time and money in rehab.

So what are you going to do about it, you say? I’ve made a decision. One that’s worked for me before. It’s so simple that it’s wildly easy to forget its effectiveness.

When I have a day that I don’t like me, I DO NOT throw a bunch of cliches at my reflection. No! I simply pray to God and I ask for strength. I ask for his hand to guide me. I praise him for the all the things I’m grateful for. I start with my pillow and go right through to my pinky toes. They have the tiniest nail on the end. One minuscule dot of nail polish is all it takes to finish my pedicure.

Gratitude and Love. Blessings and another day to struggle. Another day hoping I put a small piece of this jigsaw puzzle together that helps me see more light, more blessings, and more beauty in His gifts to us.

We’ll be okay, Carl and I. With gratitude and love. It’s just losing the cliches and looking at what we truly have in the smallest of wonders. No big leaps for mankind, no I’m going to Disney land moments, and no get out of jail free card. Just the sky. Let’s start there and see where that takes us.

I hope I come back and read this when someone asks my advice about anything they might be struggling with. And I fervently hope I don’t throw them a things are always darkest before the dawn or out of the mud grows the lotus moment. But instead take their hand in mine and look up at the sky with them and just say, “there, start right there. Be grateful, feel the love”.

Smile and be there again when they need a warm touch and a open heart. And with that I pray I keep my own touch and open heart available for myself. Whisper words of wisdom. Let it be.

Don’t you know who I am? Why should you, I don’t.

In “my old life” I used to joke about this, saying don’t you know who I am? With sarcasm as if I was so important every one should just respect me, like me and want to be surrounded by my Glory because I was Jonna Cobb. Wife of Garth, Daughter in law of Karly and Buck, Ryder and Kacey’s mom. Hell I was royalty, right?

Well my “old life” slaps me in the face often and hard! Working where I work it’s a given someone will see my nametag and even 60 lbs lighter and blonde, they hear my passion for the wine industry and put two and two together. I’m not saying it’s always a bad slap in the face. Sometimes it’s brilliant. Like having all my old neighbors and fellow wine industry gurus at grand openings pouring their product. Especially gratifying is the recent add on our shelves of many of my friends and old neighbors juice for me to sell. Selling is story telling. And boy, have I got stories! So hopefully that is a worthwhile campaign that although I’m rocking it and my store is selling local hand over fist I have very little control over the other stores salesmanship. Something I’d like to change. But I have yet to get a return response from an email I sent to the company VP. Hold tight it’ll take it’s sweet time but…It’ll be worth it! Sometimes it’s hard and humiliating and I wish to hell I didn’t feel the need to defend myself and explain why I left Garth and the wineries behind to not drown in someone else’s molding and shaping of me.

I’m a work in progress for sure, we all are if we’re truly honest about it. I’m so grateful of where I am now. I’m amazed when I realize how far I had to fall to get here. But then I think of Jordan, sweet Jordan, Garth’s brother who passed away last year. He didn’t find a way to love himself enough to escape the addiction,the illness that held him so tight. He never reached the point of light where he said I wanna be better, bigger and something I create without the burden of alcohol to bury and deaden all my feelings. He, like I carried much guilt for things he did whether big or small things that go unaddressed because of the pride and ego of ourselves and our families and the “don’t you know who I am” mantra that swims inside of our consciousness when we are expected to do great things just because of our name and birthright.

I know some people think I’m crazy to have left my old life. And some days I agree with them. I wish I had pushed for a legal separation and found out that Garth and I really weren’t going to work. But my biggest regret and one I’m fighting to rid myself of, I (we) did not fight. We did not go the long run to try and make it work. I walked away because it was taking it’s toll on me. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I still fight those ghosts. I’m not good enough. The relationships I’ve had that have lasted were only lasting because of the other persons resolve to have me in their life. Believe me eventually I pushed them away. Usually not very kindly. My new MO is to find someone who really makes me feel good about myself, whole, and happy. Then I cling on to them in fear that if I don’t have them telling me daily that I’m beautiful, talented, funny and smart that I will self destruct and never find those qualities in me by myself. In my nightmares I look in the mirror to no reflection like a bad vampire movie.

Whole, I need to be the whole Jonna Gay Vivian Cobb, without the crutch of a man telling me I’m all the things I already know in my head I am. Why is my heart and my spirit so slow to catch up. It’s like they dropped the baton in the relay race.

So don’t you know who I am?

I’m Jonna Vivian Cobb, smart, funny, talented and hard working. I’m a faithful, true, and loyal friend and lover. I’d like you to stick around awhile so I’ll find and continue my own interests and invite you to share in them. I’ll support you in all your interests and endeavors. I won’t be hurt or disappointed if you can’t or don’t want to be with me for all my little events, nor will I feel like I need to be present at every function or gathering you attend. We will be two separate strong people who come together and ignite such a strong united front that we’ll set the world on fire. At least our own little world.

That’s who I want to be for you.

She’s coming, and you’ll say, “Don’t you know who you are?” I’ll respond, Yes and thank you for waiting for me to find me!

Love this guy!

I still have work to do! We all do!

Working in middle of the night in a slow call center really gives you time to reflect on people’s true intentions as they enter and exit your life.
I can’t control what they do. I CAN AND WILL control how I react.

You get what you put out. Respect given is respect earned. If you are hurtful, deceitful, and cruel..someone will turn around and offer that to you someday. When you generate positivity and love, you’ll be blessed by the same.

Be kind my lovelies: be kind! You never know the pain or tragedy that another has endured. Sometimes things you couldn’t even imagine have turned people inside out, yet, they walk amongst us seemingly happy and content.

Those of us who struggle with scars no one can see understand this.

I’m just beginning to mend all the horrible damage that those scars have done to not only myself, but, to those I love the most.
The ugly words, actions and choices are very often the result of unseen and unknown travesties that someone has suffered.

Before we shake our heads, judge and walk out on those who we deem as unfixable or problematic, Please remember how God went to save that one sheep who went astray and left the ninety nine that didn’t stray.

Everyone deserves kindness and understanding. Walk a mile in their shoes. Listen to their story. Giving up on them is weak. WWJD! Think about a time in your life when that one reassuring hug, smile or “hey no matter what you do I know your heart is more loving than that pain inside you.”

I have received so much love from so many of you, my friends and family! In turn I love you all whole heart right back. Im so blessed to be loved even with all the drama, tears and mistakes I create. Thank You! I’m grateful and thank the Lord for your enduring patience and love. (Even if sometimes you don’t understand)

All we need is love.

#narcissisticabusesurvivor

#onelove

#mentalhealthawareness

#mystoryisntover

www.jibjab.com/view/make/lonely-boy-the-black-keys-starring-you-ecard/c849d6e7-d7b1-48bc-bfc0-2718023d1ae3

So.. This just happened

In April 2020 in the height of the CoVid pandemic, after what seemed an eternity, I was afforded the opportunity to move to my adult children in Oxford Mississippi. I found a place to live, escaped yet another visit from my California tormentor and then yet again another beating from the same man. If this isn’t story material, I’m not sure what is. People call me crazy; but people seldom call me boring!

So I’m in this awesome, wholesome, loving relationship. I’m having some, uh hum… a lot of difficulties with PTSD and a missed diagnosis of depression vs Bi-polar. Dealing with med changes and getting healthy emotionally has been a strain on my employment and on this new fantastic relationship. Tired of faking it both at work and at home, I lost my job, simply for expressing myself in a little bit of “a mood” … ie; I couldn’t keep my shit stable or together and would literally black out in fear mode as ptsd survivors will occasionally do.

I took the leap and started seeing a professional, switched medications, talked and will continue to talk to a therapist for as long as it takes.

You’re saying, great Jonna, so what are you bitching about now? Not complaining as much as wondering what the Lord is showing me. The loss of my pantry chef job is leaving a distinct channel of discomfort and moving towards strain on those who are loving me through this. I’m learning how to deal with the manic moods, the depression and am ready to undergo some pretty severe memory resurface Therepy. I will be better. I know it!

But today, in working towards the goal of providing and contributing finances to the demand of life and to the the beautiful souls who are being patient through these changes. IE; The act of moving across the US ; the survival of a class A narcissist etc. has been hard. And then…get ready for it… I got pulled over on Ole Miss Campus for speeding. 3 miles over the 18 mph limit. I was on my way to a job interview at the Ole Miss Pavilion for a job taking tickets at home games. I never made it to my interview.

I was arrested for speeding and driving on a suspended Drivers License. An offense in California that would have been so unforgiving. Probably would have served at least 40 days in jail.

They arrested me. Cuffs and all. (Protocol I know) I went to the local Jail where all male inmates were in the main lobby switching the music between Country and Old R&B. Civil and respectful to each other. Not a single one trying to act “hard” or “gangster.”

I realized then how blessed I was to be where I am and exactly why the Lord has me here. Will I ever drive until I receive the privilege of possessing a valid Mississippi DL? No! Never! Won’t happen! I heard you loud and clear Holy Ghost. I should have walked, ridden my bike. This Covid-19 – 20 lbs I’ve gained, should have been incentive enough!

I was treated with love and respect, compassion and empathy. The one gentleman officer was ordering lunch on his computer for the “crew”. He was kind and yet professional and efficient. Asked me if I had ever eaten “fried ravioli” and we talked pasta and pizza. The female officer also incredibly professional, efficient, yet loving and full of empathy for my situation said, “let me give the judge a call” She did and they released me with a court date where I will then work out the fines with the Judge. Best of all was a woman they referred to as MeiMa who while I prayed out loud as they were processing my paperwork, said Amen with me and told me to “always Trust in God, because He will never let me down. ” where did this angel come from?

Thank you my Dear Father in Heaven for sending these loving people with guns and badges to show me my transgressions and yet with such kindness tell me I hadn’t done anything unforgivable. Treated like a blooming human being. Not like in Sacramento California. I AM where I need to be!

There will be consequences of today. Many at a time where it will just feel like overload. But I will survive. I will overcome and with the Lords care I will succeed. I’ve got Hell to pay for driving 3 miles over the speed limit and especially without a valid Drivers License. I will gracefully get through this. I hope my man stays by my side. I hope my children continue to love me through these never ending bumps in the road. Amen!

One more thought because I know some are thinking it. Did I receive Grace and Kindness from these peace officers because I’m a White Female. No. I was polite, forthright, respectful and grateful for their service. Two of the respectful inmates I had contact with were Black; one Black inmate came out and offered me a tray of lunch. One Male officer was Black and the other two were White Females. In a time where we are over reacting to race and being treated unfairly I still remain in the position of respect begets respect. They have a job to do and they did it. My sincere respect for the Oxford Mississippi Police Department.

Update: I lost the relationship; I lost myself…again! Working on getting myself back on my feet…AGAIN! When will I learn that God wants me to himself and to stop looking forward a Man to accept me. Pray and let him know, “I want more of you God!”

Thoughts on how God is missing in all the chaos in the world.

So, I’m a self admitted weirdo, dreamer. I spend my existence searching for answers to questions asked since the beginning of time. With Gods Grace I’ve been given paths that have led me to inspire
and be blessed by friendships who endured and dare I say enjoy my weirdness. I’m marching to the beat of my own drummer and some folks dislike the non conformity of that. I don’t identify with any one group of individuals. I am outcast by most labeled groups. I experience discrimination daily by the label obsessed culture we live in. That has made for some degree of loneliness in my adult life. But it always unearths the support and love that God intends me to find. Speaking your mind. Standing up for what you believe. Putting your foot down to stop action you know is wrong. Praying in the middle of a demonic expression on display. These are easy things that just take Faith and Confidence. What is truly difficult and I believe is the answer in each of us. Stand by yourself, without the comfort and safety of a group that identifies with you. Be yourself and walk in the love of Christ. Sit in the front row of church by yourself. Sing Praises to God, let it just be you with the Lord. Not all the time of course He wants us together in fellowship. He expects us to Love and Support one another. All this chaos in the world is here to teach us something, otherwise it wouldn’t be here. What are we learning? Has anyone who is protesting, peacefully or not, thought about God? We are one nation, under God, rights? Have we asked Him for clarity of getting along in this world of labels, groups, organizations and parties?
What do I belong to? I belong to the Children of God. Who do I believe in? I believe in God. Where do I want to go? I will go to the Kingdom.

#childofgod

#wwjd

#eyesfocusedonthelord

Wake Me Up

Tell me why I miss you?

been up all night, right there bugging

with that first text you flew

 

See it move? Miles away

Can’t figure me the fool

Been foggy, been chided

I just wanted you to stay

 

Move it in, flowing in that way

Lunge towards the plunge

Pull it over cloaked darkness

Girl with no game, can still play

 

First line, verse, then chapter

Set in a spine become a book

When we met, so raw, jumbled

Now cry for happy ever after

 

Attention with a bitter outcome

I hear voices, but no peace

Scream my name. No! louder!

Too many dice rolled, I’m done!

Love, no doubt, as years fly by

Will sustain the worst of sin

It’s love of God, Us, and We

You, the future all, it’s why I try.

 

 

How I See Myself!

I can wear zero make up, and with a daring move step out nude on a city sidewalk. Far fetched I know, if not for probable arrest I would do it.

At 55 years old I look fantastic. I look like I’ve lived. Loved and lost.

My tummy sags from two beautiful children that love me.

My arms sag because I used to have big muscles that atrophied with survival instead of gym time. My legs and shoulders bear the traits of an athlete. My tits, well I haven’t seen a whole lot better natural Double D cups in all the porn industry. Women often set some saline packets under the lower breast and those cougars probably have me beat. But mine are love and comfort with nipples saying I’ll feed you my love, just pull me close, secure me and tell me everything is okay. My ass is slight allowing quick movement and easy access to my secret place. The place where all my dreams are made. And all my dreams are shattered. My feet my hands are those of a woman who has never been afraid of hard work. Always going the extra mile to provide for those she loves. Except when those she loves don’t return the passion, the fire or the commitment to the union. I love fully and fiercely. I expect the same. Life is complicated. Love is everything. My Soul Mate is here. Please God keep him here. Let my flaws make me beautiful, to him. Give me softness, patience and peace. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

The Struggle

It’s a struggle. And for some of us, one we endure from both sides of the fence.

Like any disease, addiction can be battled with aggressive, well placed and timed treatment. Radiation and Chemotherapy are the standard  for Cancer. For alcohol and drug addiction we standardly use AA and NA.

After chemo and radiation. There is a small chance that the Cancer could become aggressively active after being in remission. The medical profession will tell us that it’s time to start a new course, a more agressive approach. Much the same, an addict can relapse. Having to start over with a more aggressive approach, different places, people, a new look at the disease.

No one chooses a disease. We don’t wake up one day and say, “hmmm …I think I could handle a dose of lymphoma.”  That Just sounds silly, right?

But lots of people think the addict “made a choice”. An addict doesn’t wake up one day sober and say, “I think I’m going to go get drunk today” or “Hey those Meth Addicts I read about seem to have some great ideas! ” However, society generally thinks that’s exactly how it happens. It is, I assure you, not how it works.

The cells of the Alcoholic or Drug addicted human being, lay inert as long as we keep up with the programs. Our medicine and care are our scheduled fellowship and our meetings. Just as the cancer patient needs to keep up regular chemo and radiation. There is no canceling of scheduled appointments. Or thinking, “I’ll just sit this one out.”

People tend to judge addiction, thinking, “why don’t you just stop? You think you would have learned by now!” No one ever says that to a cancer patient.  

We say positive things like, “stay strong” “we’re sending hugs, well wishes, please let us know how we can help you and the family.” Right?

The addict knows people are sick of hearing about the next tragedy, relationship, drama, and soap box podium marathon. Oh boy, do we know!

People try to be supportive but the addict feels the disappointment. We know we are stretching the boundaries of the relationship. Sometimes we are just powerless in the disease.

The Cancer patient knows people are sad and angry with Cancer.  Their friends say, “Call me, I’m here.” The cancer patient very seldom reaches out for support or help. They feel burdensome.

The Addict feels that same weight, but, the shame is the biggest burden. Knowing you are viewed as weak and selfish, we simply don’t reach out for fear of rejection.

Why do some of us place such stigmas on addiction? It’s a physical disease just as any thing deemed medical. We must, as with so many other social barriers in this big, crazy world, stop the judgement.

We’ve seen horrible travesty with racial prejudice. The tension in the workplace for Mothers. Immigrants facing bigotry. Internet trafficking of minors for sex. I hate to see any of these things. I pray for a day when we can be a world completely free of these things. I know, I’m humming the “I’d like to teach the world to sing” Coca Cola commercial too.

Now I ask you, wouldn’t that just be a cliff dive into wonderful?

There is a blind spot placed on addiction, although we’ve been told since the 1930’s that addiction is a disease. Alcoholism and Drug Addiction are still socially regarded differently then a diagnosis of a medical term from an MD. Not always, but often.

For both the Cancer Patient and the Addict, the things that show love and support are simple. If we could Just reach deep Inside ourselves and…

~Be kind

~Smile and mean it

~Walk a mile

~Above all love one another

~ Share Joy in Music and Art

~ Laugh

~ Find a Uplifting quote or poem and share it

These small things can make a difference in anyone’s life. In crisis or not. They costs nothing. They are so simple. Why is it so hard for us to find?